Video Game Review: Bayonetta

First impressions can count for everything, and when, within moments of beginning Bayonetta, a 10-foot tall librarian with butterfly wings decked out in horn-rimmed glasses and low-cut skintight S&M gear made entirely of hair explodes out of a hot nun to cut and shoot a bloody swathe of destruction through an entire army of hideous fallen angels, you know you're in for something... well, pardon my French, but absolutely batshit insane comes to mind - and that's putting it lightly.

It only gets weirder. Bayonetta will take you around 8 hours to complete on the standard difficulty setting, and it's 8 hours of incredibly satisfying hack-and-slash character action - this is a fine game, no doubt about it - but it'll be a real struggle to remember anything about it short of the unalienable fact that this has to be the craziest thing to have come out of Japan in years; and surely that's saying something. What exists in my memory, in place of the experience of actually playing Platinum Games' latest, is a haze of style, titillation and J-pop.

I seem to recall, vaguely, as if through a drug-addled fog, that Bayonetta has a story. No idea what that might have been, though. There were certainly some cut-scenes, but they're memorable mostly for their choreography, their swaggering self-confidence. I know Bayonetta fought some monsters, and that she likes lollipops. There was definitely a little girl with an English accent, and a man with such a long scarf you'd think he'd be tripping up all over the place - but no. Was there a war between heaven and hell? Who can say.

The dearth of storytelling is of no real consequence, in any event. As was the case with its clearest antecedent, Devil May Cry, which had Dante and pizza where Bayonetta has the titular giantess and a red lollipop, this isn't a game you'll play for some carefully crafted narrative. In fact, the two games share more than that single commonality. For one thing, they each emerge from the baffling imagination of Hideki Kamiya, the highly regarded director of Okami, Resident Evil 2 and Viewtiful Joe. The mechanics of moment-to-moment gameplay in both, which is to say combo-driven button mashing, are very much alike. You have a light attack, a heavy attack and foot-mounted guns. Yes, Bayonetta has guns on her shoes. Why wouldn't she?

There are literally hundreds of combos for you to execute, a vast enough array of moves that even the most amateurish player will feel like a professional, not to mention a unique set of attacks specific to each of the weapons you collect throughout your journey, from a katana to new guns to mittens with vicious blades embedded in them. As you collect rings left over from the last abortive Sonic retread in a neat heads-up to Platinum Games' publisher SEGA, you're able to upgrade each of your armaments, as well as buy special techniques, powerful accessories and of course, new costumes to dress Bayonetta up in.

I've danced around the issue thus far, but though Bayonetta is a nearly flawless action game, it is far from an original one. Its only real claim to distinction, in fact, is its lavish design, and while the vast majority of the characters, environments and assets are a real pleasure to behold, you'll spend the larger part of your time with the game staring at Bayonetta herself - and though I don't doubt she'll appeal to a certain segment of the audience, her in-your-face hypersexuality will be a divisive issue indeed. Think the lovechild of Lara Croft and Dante, genetically modified for your supposed pleasure.

Ultimately, she's a lurid hybrid of every fantasy and fetish Kamiya could dream up. The camera will often frame her rear or her rack rather than her face. On the 360, the left bumper - your so-called "taunt" button - will have Bayonetta grab her crotch, shake her out-of-proportion booty and give voice to one innuendo or another in her saucy Queen's English. Pull off a particularly complex combo and your reward is a near-as-dammit naked lady. At least there's a sense of humour to go with all the sex, but even then, the laughs are very, very Japanese, and rarely translate well.

In truth, I'm probably not far from the target market of Bayonetta myself, but even for me, a red-blooded young male with a total thing for librarians, it's a bit much. As like as not, women everywhere will be offended, and men, whether or not they enjoy the virtual lap-dance on some level, will be offended on their behalf. It's outright objectification and it does not sit well with me, for one.

If you can get past the offensive presentation, however, there's a lot about Bayonetta to love. The actual game beneath all the misguided gloss is solid, off-the-wall crazy through and through, short of a few clunky, unnecessary vehicle sequences. The visuals, too, are excellent, the audio bombastic and suitably schizophrenic. Honestly, I'd recommend nearly every aspect of Bayonetta without question - short of Bayonetta herself. And in a character action game, that's a real problem.

Castmonger #5: Skeptoid

I was hoping that the last post before I left for my much ballyhooed-about holiday might bring a few more books for me to squeeze into a suitcase already bulging with speculative fiction. And it did - more on that in The BoSS tomorrow.

It is with some anxiety, however, that alas, I must confess the wretched mailman also pulled from his bag of secrets and lies a note from the occasional TSS contributor we all love to hate - or in many cases, simply hate. Having somehow divined that I would not be eager to continue posting his loathsome podcast recommendations, the Castmonger mailed me a note written in a collage of letters cut from magazines and newspapers. It said, simply:

Much as I hate to be seen giving in to such demands - it's a slippery slope, after all - I can't stomach the idea that I could in some way be responsible for the suffering of another innocent. Not after what happened last time.

And so...

***

In October of the year 2006, North Korea tested a nuclear weapon, Kofi Annan stood down as the seventh Secretary General of the United Nations and Microsoft released the game-changing seventh iteration of its ubiquitous browser software, Internet Explorer.

But the Castmonger cares not for these things. Surely the most significant of all the events of that month, already so long ago, was the launch of a podcast called Skeptoid. After his considered rebukes were not-so-politely dismissed by three - count 'em - Fortean forums, sometime computer scientist Brian Dunning took to the ether to record the first episode of a podcast that has since gone on to debunk hundreds of scientific quandaries and questions. Today, in excess of 100,000 people listen to his brief arguments on Skeptoid each week - and what better recommendation is there than such a wealth of subscribers?

Well, there's the Castmonger's recommendation, and I duly give it. Brian is the perfect host, his bassy baritone a welcome treat each week. Fringe science junkies: if you haven't tuned in before, prepare to have your expectations shattered.

Since the first episode took the notion of new age energy apart all that time ago, the prime purpose of Skeptoid has been to debunk the weird and the wonderful. From Bigfoot to the Amityville Horror, from so-called organic food products to homeopathy and crop circles to ball lightning, the cordial and informed host of Skeptoid has made it his business to take to task those misguided beliefs and apparent understandings prevalent in contemporary society. Do not tune in expecting Brian to do anything less than shatter your expectations. For the Brits among readers of TSS, it's like QI for weird science. For the rest of you, that's a hell of a recommendation.

In an interview with John and David on The Geek's Guide to the Galaxy a few weeks ago, Brian revealed that he spends around seven hours each week reading and researching his subjects - an incredible amount of work for what essentially amount to a 10 minute monologue. But it's time well spent. Brian's extensive research shines through the ether; he is among podcasting's most polite, authoritative voices. He makes his points precise and incisive without ever belabouring them.

If you aren't already a Skeptoid subscriber, do yourself a favour and find out what you've been missing these past years. The podcast is nearing its 200th episode, and with every previous installment available to download for free, there's a wealth of bite-sized cynical brilliance available for you to catch up on.

Believe me when I say you want to be there for the celebrations a few weeks from now.

***

Click here for more information on Skeptoid, or subscribe to the podcast discussed in this post via the following links:

... For regular RSS readers: http://skeptoid.com/podcast.xml.

... iTunes users, meanwhile, should use this link.

If you'd like to submit your podcast or a personal favourite to be considered for a future installment of Castmonger, simply leave a link and a brief description below.

Film Review: The Box

Based on "Button, Button", a short story by I Am Legend author Richard Matheson, The Box is the third film from cult director Richard Kelly, and while it has its moments - a few particularly effective chills and thrills right around the midpoint - at the end of the day, it's no Donnie Darko. Mind you, it's also a far cry from Southland Tales, Kelly's disastrous sophomore feature, the less said about which the better.

Perhaps I'm being too harsh. Early critical reception to The Box has been overwhelmingly negative, and let's be quite clear: this isn't a bad film by any stretch of the imagination. In many respects, The Box is a successful enough piece of stylish, thought-provoking entertainment that I'd recommend any interested parties ignore the off-putting buzz and come to their own conclusions. The trouble is, having made his directorial debut with the mind-melting Donnie Darko, everything Richard Kelly makes will be measured against that impossibly high watermark, and that's both a blessing and a curse. Rubbing shoulders with such company can only give his films more exposure, but more likely than not, they will ultimately fall foul of the comparison.

Given that, it's perhaps not the greatest idea for Kelly to court such speculation, but The Box is, as Donnie Darko was, a period piece. Set in 1976, against the height of NASA's spacefaring glory days, Norma and Arthur Lewis have fallen on hard times, so when an enigmatic man with a horrifying disfigurement delivers to them a box that could mean the end of their woes, they have some serious thinking to do. On the box, you see, is a button, and if they press the button, the mysterious man will give them $1m. The catch is that if they do, somewhere, someone - someone neither Norma nor Arthur know - will die.

It's a brilliantly simple high-concept, and once you're made it through 20 minutes of dull, unnecessary exposition, the potential of it positively screams. I don't think it's spoiling things to say that yes, they push the button. Of course they do; what kind of narrative could possibly come out of a couple discussing a philosophical quandary for an hour and a half? In any event, what follows, once Norma and Arthur have thrown caution into the wind and done the deed, is certainly the most accomplished part of The Box: a second act that isn't so much sci-fi as an incredibly unnerving creepshow. There's a touch of The Crazies in a chase around a labyrinthine library, more than a dollop of David Lynch in some of Kelly's deliberately stilted camerawork - one particularly memorable sequence has a man standing at a window in the background while little Walter plays Monopoly with his babysitter. It doesn't sound like much, but it's executed with such finesse, such understatement, that the goosebumps will have you.

Sadly, from there on out, The Box becomes a bit of a mess. Kelly takes his high concept too far, explicating on innumerable things that would have been better left unsaid; better, surely, had they been left to our imagination rather than subjected to needless talking heads which only exist to encourage further befuddlement on the part of the viewer. In the last act, Kelly seems to decide that there just hasn't been enough weirdness, and henceforth piles it on, thick and fast and completely, utterly wrong-headed. There are entire scenes that The Box would be a much better film without, scenes which mean to complicate the alluringly clear premise at the heart of the narrative, but serve only to muddy it, to numb whatever impact the climax might otherwise have had.

All of which is a real shame, because each the component parts of a truly great film are present and correct. The primary cast equip themselves well. Cameron Diaz doesn't have the most convincing Southern drawl, and the chemistry between she and James Marsden isn't up to much, but beyond those complaints, they play their parts well. Frank Langella, meanwhile, is a quiet revelation as Arlington Steward, the mysterious man with the box. As in Donnie Darko, the score is excellent, effective even when it's at its most bombastic, though Kelly goes with original music here rather than the who's-who of the 80s that made up the soundtrack to his first film. The period setting, too, is authentic, pulled off well without drawing too much attention.

Sadly, a good cast, a great premise and some fine set-design aren't enough to make The Box compulsive viewing; nor is the man with half a face or the sinister Santa. Kelly has all the right ingredients at hand, but in an attempt to top the brilliantly baffling finale of Donnie Darko, he rather squanders them. That's not to say The Box isn't an adequate way to pass an evening, only that it could have been so much more - if only it had been a little... less.

The BoSS for 03/03/10

Top of the morning to you!

I'm not here right now. That's been well and truly established in several posts here on The Speculative Scotsman already. But there's no stopping the BoSS. Who's to say what's been breaking the postman's back since I left for my week away, but here, dear readers, is a quick look at a few of the advance proofs and review copies I'd recieved before my departure.

Click through to read Meet the BoSS for an introduction and an explanation as to why you should care about the Bag o' Speculative Swag.

With that, here's a sneak peek at some of the juciest genre fiction you can expect to see reviewed on the blog in the near future.

***

Veteran
by Gavin Smith

Release Details:

Published in the UK on

17/06/10 by Gollancz

Review Priority:

4 (Very High)

Plot Synopsis: "Three hundred years in our future, in a world of alien infiltrators, religious hackers, a vast convoying nation of Nomads, city sized orbital elevators, and a cyborg pirate king who believes himself to be a mythological demon Jakob is having a bad day: "Nothing gets in the way of a hangover like being reactivated by your old C.O and told to track down an alien killing machine. The same kind of killing machine that wiped out my entire squad. And now it's in my hometown.

"My name is Jakob Douglas, ex-special forces. I fought Them. Just like we've all been doing for 60 bloody years. But I thought my part in that was done with. My boss has other ideas. If I didn't find the infiltrator then he'd let the Grey Lady loose on me. And believe me; even They've got nothing on her. So I took the job. It went to shit even faster than normal. And now I'm on the run with this teenage hacker who's had enough of prostitution. The only people I can rely on want to turn the internet into God. And now it turns out that They aren't quite what we'd all thought. I've been to the bottom of the sea and the top of the sky and beyond trying to get to the truth. And I still can't get far enough away from the Grey Lady. All things considered I'd rather be back at home deep in a whiskey bottle."

Commentary: Gavin Smith's debut comes to us courtesy of the great Simon Spanton: the very man who brought us the likes of Scott Lynch, Patrick Rothfuss and Sam Sykes. In other words, the bar's set good and high. It remains to be seen whether Veteran can scale such dizzying heights, but you know what? It's set in Dundee. I've been to Dundee! They have a statue of Desperate Dan! Needless to say, I'm sold. Veteran sounds like it could be a bunch of fun.

Apartment 16

by Adam Neville

Release Details:

Published in the UK on

21/05/10 by Pan

Review Priority:

3 (Moderate)

Plot Synopsis: "In Barrington House, an upmarket block in London, there is an empty apartment. No one goes in, no one comes out. And it’s been that way for fifty years. Until the night watchman hears a disturbance after midnight and investigates. What he experiences is enough to change his life forever.

"A young American woman, Apryl, arrives at Barrington House. She's been left an apartment by her mysterious Great Aunt Lillian who died in strange circumstances. Rumours claim Lillian was mad. But her diary suggests she was implicated in a horrific and inexplicable event decades ago.

"Determined to learn something of this eccentric woman, Apryl begins to unravel the hidden story of Barrington House. She discovers that a transforming, evil force still inhabits the building. And the doorway to Apartment 16 is a gateway to something altogether more terrifying..."

Commentary: Hmm. I'm not at all familiar with Adam Neville, but with Joe Hill's Horns read and reviewed I've been on the lookout for my next fix of horror fiction, and there's every chance Apartment 16 could be it. It sounds a little derivative, sure, but the prose - from what little I've read - looks solid, and hell, I'm always up for a good haunted house story. My only real reservation is that the publicity materials liken Neville's forthcoming second novel to The Birthing House, a truly terrible bit of tripe. Here's hoping there isn't much truth to that particular comparison.

Shine: An Anthology of
Optimistic Science Fiction

by Alastair Reynolds, Kay Kenyon,
Jason Stoddard, Holly Phillips et al.

Release Details:

Published in the UK on

16/04/10 by Solaris Books

Review Priority:

3 (Moderate)

Plot Synopsis: "A collection of gems that throw light on a brighter future. Some of the world's most talented SF writers show how things can change for the better. From gritty polyannas to workable futures, from hard-fought progress to a better tomorrow; heart-warming and mind-expanding stories that will re-awaken the optimist in you!"

Commentary: I love me a good short story collection, and Shine looks it could be just what the doctor ordered. No less than sixteen tales of hopeful speculation on the future of humanity await within its pages, and I'm familiar with enough contributors that Shine could be a perfect way in to those writers I haven't heard of.  Of course, there's an upside and a downside to a collection of such sci-fi as this book brings together; the former being that the genre isn't known for its optimism, so Shine should be a nice change of pace, and the latter being that there's perhaps more room than usual for preachy. With a little luck, editor Jetse de Vries is well aware of that fact. At the least, this should make for a few great palette-cleansers between larger endeavors.

Shadow Prowler
by Alexey Pehov

Release Details:

Published in the UK on

01/04/10 by Simon & Schuster

Review Priority:

4 (Very High)

Plot Synopsis: "After centuries of calm, the Nameless One is stirring. An army is gathering: giants, ogres and other creatures joining forces from across the Desolate Lands, united for the first time in history under one black banner. By the spring, or perhaps sooner, the Nameless One and his forces will be at the walls of the great city of Avendoom. Unless Shadow Harold, master thief, can find some way to stop them.

"Epic fantasy at its best, Shadow Prowler is the first in a trilogy that follows professional thief Shadow Harold on his quest for a magic Horn that will restore peace to the kingdom of Siala. Accompanied by an elfin princess, ten Wild Hearts - the most experienced and dangerous royal fighters - and the King's court jester (who may be more than he seems ...or less), Harold must outwit angry demons, escape the clutches of a band of hired murderers, survive ten bloody skirmishes ...and reach the burial grounds before dark. Can he escape a fate worse than death?"

Commentary: This might be the first we're hearing of Alexey Pehov, but he's become a household name in the Motherland, where Shadow Prowler and its sequels are widely held to be the most popular fantasy books in Russia. Released nearly a decade ago as Stealth in the Shadows, it's about time English-speaking readers got to see what all the fuss is about, and with six-figure acquisition deals in the UK and the States, there's every chance Shadow Prowler could be the next Night Watch. In fact, the two books even share the same translator. I'm excited to see if Pehov's first novel - he's published nine to date - holds up to the high watermark of that comparison.

In Great Waters

by Kit Whitfield

Release Details:

Published in the UK on
04/03/10 by Vintage

Review Priority:

3 (Moderate)

Plot Synopsis: "In a tense, divided court, a young princess watches her mother struggle to hold the throne. On a remote coastal estate, a scholar finds a child washed up on the shore. Anne Henry, a Christian princess of the royal blood. A pagan bastard, groomed all his hidden, lonely life to make a grab for the crown. In this work of stunning imagination, Kit Whitfield has written a fictional history at once familiar and alien. Since the ninth century, when the deeps men invaded Venice, an uneasy alliance has held between the people of the land and the sea. That alliance was brokered by the warrior queen, Angelica, half landsman, half deeps man, the mother of the royal houses of Europe.

"Now, centuries later, no navy can cross the seas without allies in the ocean - and without deeps men guarding its shores, no nation can withstand invasion. The hybrid kings keep the treaty between both sides, protecting their people from the threat of war. The royal blood is the key to peace, and ferociously protected. The penalties for any landsman who tries to breed with a deeps man are severe; the fate of any 'bastard' child, born of such an illegitimate union, is terrible. But the royal house of England is staggering, collapsing under the weight of centuries of inbreeding. Anne prays for guidance, a way into the future without hatred or bloodshed. Henry holds with fierce certainty that only the strong survive. But if either of them is to outlive the coming conflict, they may need more deeps man faith alone..."

Commentary: I'm sorry to admit that I'd have overlooked In Great Waters entirely were it not for a recommendation from a fellow bloggery sort whose taste in fiction I hold in high regard. But I have it now, and it looks - and sounds - quite incredible. By all rights In Great Waters looks like a difficult bit of speculative fiction, but the buzz from those who've persevered through to the end is uniformly positive, and hey, I'm all for a challenge.

The World House

by Guy Adams

Release Details:

Published in the UK on
04/02/10 by Angry Robot

Review Priority:

3 (Moderate)

Plot Synopsis: "There is a box. Inside that box is a door. Beyond that door is a house. They have searched for a way inside for centuries.

"In some rooms forests grow. In others, prisoners wait. At the very top of the house, a prisoner sits behind a locked door waiting for a key to turn. The day that happens, the world will end..."

Commentary: I've heard some very positive things about The World House these past few weeks, so it was a real pleasure to recieve a review copy in the mail. If this keeps up I'll have to pledge alliegiance to the Angry Robot Army, won't I? In any event, sometime Emmerdale guest star Guy Adams is the current chair of the British Fantasy Society, and though I believe this is his first original novel, I'm good and ready to get stuck in. The premise sounds right up my alley - though for some reason I'm reminded of Saw II. As to why, well, search me...

Book Review: The Mall of Cthulhu by Seamus Cooper

[Buy this book on Amazon
in the UK / in the US]

"A decade ago, college student Laura Harker was saved from a fate worse than death at the hands (and fangs) of a centuries-old vampire priestess and her Satanic minions. Her rescuer, an awkward, geeky folklore student named Teddy, single-handedly slew the undead occupants of the Omega Alpha sorority house, spurred into heroic action by fate itself, inexorably intertwining his and Laura's destinies. After navigating her way through law school, Laura is now a junior FBI agent assigned to the Bureau's Boston office.

"Unfortunately, she finds her job involves more paperwork than adventure. When Ted stumbles onto a group of Cthulhu cultists planning to awaken the Old Ones through mystic incantations culled from the fabled Necronomicon, he and Laura must spring into action, traveling from Boston to the seemingly-peaceful suburbs of Providence and beyond, all the way to the sanity-shattering non-Euclidian alleyways and towers of dread R'lyeh itself, in order to prevent an innocent shopping center from turning into... the Mall of Cthulhu!"

***

Ted and Laura have had an unlikely life. Having narrowly survived an onslaught of hot college vampires, they've clung desperately to one another during the decade that passes between the off-the-wall prologue of The Mall of Cthulhu and the first chapter proper. They're not an item, much as Ted would like them to be - Laura's particular sexual proclivities have seen to that - but bound together as the only living witnesses to the unspeakable horror of that fateful night in the Omega Alpha sorority house, they've come to rely on one another. When ten years later we pick up on them, they're both young adults in thankless employment: one slings the perfect latte for an interminable chain of coffee houses and the other trolls through ATM footage in search of an as-good-as invisible criminal. But at least they've seen their fare share of the supernatural.

So when Ted comes across a Lovecraftian cult planning to subjugate humanity under the many-tentacled horror of a rebirthed Cthulhu, he thinks to himself, could lightning have really struck him twice? Well, it has. He and Laura will soon be doing their utmost to put an end to the dastardly cult's designs before they seize the chance to realise them in a non-descript mall somewhere in Providence.

I'll admit, I had my reservations about The Mall of Cthulhu. As I said in the sophomore edition of The BoSS, "I do enjoy a bit of clever wordplay from time to time, but to structure an entire novel around a Lovecraftian pun seems a bit much." Thankfully, my worries have proven groundless, and I certainly won't be docking any points from what I gather must be Seamus Cooper's first novel for its somewhat dubious title. From the moment it gets going, which is to say immediately, The Mall of Cthulhu is fun, frivolous and outright freaky. I've never laughed so hard at mythos fiction as I did during the hours I devoted to reading this.

The plot is clearly a bit of nonsense; hardcore, humourless Lovecraft fans coming for their fix will, I fear, be disappointed. Luckily, I'm just about as familiar with that author as Laura, who after doing a little reading observes that "Lovecraft was apparently some sort of horror writer from the twenties who wrote a lot about gigantic octopus-headed creatures from other dimensions that he called 'The Old Ones' and their nameless horrible horror, and bad geometry. Or something like that." It's precisely the sort of wit embodied in that passage that makes The Mall of Cthulhu such an unadulterated pleasure.

In any case, there's enough genuine intrigue from the get-go to keep readers turning pages until they come to know, and inevitably love, the double-act at the heart of The Mall of Cthulhu. Putting to one side all the wacky supernatural goings-on, Ted and Laura are such utterly human characters, each as flawed as the other and foundering in lives they hadn't imagined they'd live, that they appeal effortlessly; the pair have such an honest, down to earth rapport, such genuine feeling for one another that it's hard not to buy into their dire derring-do.

Cooper communicates it all with lively dialogue and some genuinely electric exposition. Hiding in a dumpster from the cult, Ted "thought about opening the laptop and playing some Minesweeper or something, but then he remembered he was hiding from very bad people who told him they'd had him begging for death - correction, for the sweet mercy of death, and he thought maybe being bored might not be so bad."

The Mall of Cthulhu can be verbose on occasion, certainly, and the finale is perhaps a little anti-climactic, but by and large, Cooper's first novel is a great, break-neck read, with a tight-knit cast of appealing, charismatic characters and a narrative packed full of whimsy and darkly fantastic wonders. Equal parts comedy, horror and action as madness and mythos intertwine, Seamus Cooper has created in The Mall of Cthulhu a book that's hard to beat in terms of its sheer energy and exuberance.

***

The Mall of Cthulhu

by Seamus Cooper

October 2009, Night Shade

[Buy this book on Amazon
in the UK / in the US]

Recommended and Related Reading

Postcards from the Far Side of Scotland

So. Do you want the good news, or the bad?

Let's start with... the bad news - and work our way to a more positive place. It's not so awful, really, but I wanted to give a little advance warning to all the kind souls who've made The Speculative Scotsman one of their regular stops on the daily trip around the blogosphere. I'm afraid, readers, that as of today, I'm taking off for a week-long holiday somewhere very far away from the blog - somewhere very far away from everything, in fact. Scotland!

Calm down, now. I hear you cry: I'm in Scotland already, aren't I? Well, yes, technically, that's true. But I'm based in a part of Scotland that could, when you come right down to it, be anywhere in the world: an identikit suburban landscape with Starbucks and cinemas and wifi wherever you go. Perhaps I'm being unkind, but all the same, in a few short hours, the other half and I are heading up to the real Scotland, the highlands and islands, where men in kilts drink whisky and hunt wild haggis. Needless to say, I'm rather looking forward to the time away.

Oh! I know a lot of TSS readers are from Canada, the States and elsewhere, so to avoid any confusion, here's a quote from the Wikipedia entry relating to Scotland's number one export:

"The left legs of the wild haggis are of different length than its right legs, allowing it to run quickly around the steep mountains and hillsides which make up its natural habitat, but only in one direction. There are two varieties of haggis, one with longer left legs and the other with longer right legs... which coexist peacefully but are unable to interbreed in the wild because in order for the male of one variety to mate with a female of the other, he must turn to face in the same direction as his intended mate, causing him to lose his balance before he can mount her."

 

What poor wee beasties they are!

Anyway, that's the bad news. The good news is that, if everything goes to plan, you shouldn't notice much of a difference one way or the other. I've spent the last little while squirreling away enough in the way of reviews, regular features and other content - wouldn't want to give too much away - that the daily updates you've come to expect from TSS should proceed as per usual. The only difference is that I won't be around to push the big red PUBLISH button!

Instead, I'll be in a lovely cottage by the seaside, sharing a delicious single malt with the love of my life while we watch the tide roll in.

Doesn't that look just lovely?

Needless to say, a suitcase full of speculative fiction will also be accompanying me on my holiday! As far as that goes, I asked a great favour of the community last week: to decide what classic SF&F series I should take away with me.

And readers? You responded in force. My thanks for that. The runaway winner of the holiday reading poll was The Malazan Book of the Fallen, by Steven Erikson. I only have the first volume in the series at hand, but it's in my bag already, and by God, I'll do my absolute best to plough through its many pages.

Also accompanying me will be Scar Night by Alan Campbell, which is to say the beginning of The Deepgate Codex, which took second place in last week's vote. Again, no promises, but if I can find the time, I'll be reading it too - the better to report back, a week from now, with my thoughts and impressions.

Till then, ladies and gents, wish me a happy holiday. In the immortal words of Truman Burbank: in case I don't see you, good afternoon, good evening and good night!

Do be gentle with the blog in my absence.